idk

There is something wrong with me, and I unfortunately cannot pinpoint it. There is so much wrong with me, that it blurs the lines between wrong and correct. And of course there is the subjectivity of ‘good/bad, correct/wrong,’ etc. But I just know. I just know that there is something wrong with me. It’s present in others, it’s present within those close to me. IT’s present in so many different people, but it is not present in me. There are things within ‘me’, whether that be my mental portrayal of me, whether that is the consciousness that makes ‘me’, or whether it is my physical body. Across all planes that define who I am, what I am, why I am, and what I will be, there is something… gone? Broken? Lost?

No one understands me. I’ve heard this so many times. And for the life of me I simply cannot understand why. WHile yes every human on the planet is a multifaceted person. And while yes, I do have my quirks here and there. I simply don’t get why no one can understand me? I’ve worked so hard to become who I am today when it comes to my personality, scoially and just in general. But people still cannot understand me. Not even my own mother, not even a former lover no one can understand me. I simply cannot be this confusing? Surely> In what world does it make sense for a mother to not understand her child? The fruit of your labor turned huuman, turned consciouss, turned alive. The one you’ve raised, watched over, fed, cried over. What is there to not understand about me?

I like many things. I like music, I like cars, I like video games, and I like some fashion. I like anime and manga, I like reading, and I sometimes like wwriting. I try to be easy going, because there was I time where I was simply just on alert 24/7. Of course these habits have no tied. Of course I still have struggles… socially. But.. I try. I’ve tried so hard to become easier for others to manage, to deal with, to talk to, to ‘hang out’ with, to have a good opinion on. I’ve done so much to become someone who wasn’t me. To become someone who didn’t annoy, disturb or cause trouble. I’ve tried so fucking hard. But in the end I’m still me. And in the end… I’m still a hassle. I’m still difficult to understand. Why am I like this?

a hell in me

Every day, every moment. I war with my thoughs, I war with my desires. Every day I think to become a new man, a changed man, but every day. I hold it off until the next day. A life of tommorow’s is simply not a life I want to live. I know deep down, that I have to change or nothing will change. No one will save me, the things I want won’t simply fall in my lap. Tomorrow is never promised. Especially if you’re not me. But, I’m just so tired. This level of tired is something I can’t explain. It transcends the physical need for sleep because I want to spend all night up wondering and thinking. I cannot explain what it means to wake up from 8+ hours of sleep and still be so physically drained you simply can’t get out of bed. I cannot explain to be so mentally drained and numb that you simply cannot spare a feeling, to be so tired that you’d think a permanent rest is simply the most fufilling solution.

I’m just so tired. And I want to sleep. But I can’t sleep. So I think I’ll just go to sleep tonight. And hope tomorrow is the last tomorrow. That it is indeed the today.